You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
