When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
