Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
