I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
