Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
