i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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