I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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