i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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