Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
