I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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