I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
