All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
