I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
