as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
