your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
