Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
