Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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