My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
