Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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