Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
