I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just had sex on a roof
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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