Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
