Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
