I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
