Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
