Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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