I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
