I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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