You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
