Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Damn victory sex feels great
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
