whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
