Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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