I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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