can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
