I think I died a long time ago.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
