Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
