I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
