if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
