I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
