Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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