I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
