You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
