If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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