this beer tastes like vomit already
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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