Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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