you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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