Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
