Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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