he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
