A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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