Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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