I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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