There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
