Me. At least after what I've been through.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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