Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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