I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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