They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
