I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
